Jet Ski/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW [ gunshots, glass shatters ] harold: It's really hard to think of something new to say when you're introducing the same person and the same show about 800 times in a row. But I guess that's what makes me a professional, as they say in the business. So welcome the star of "the red green show," and my uncle through some type of relationship with my dad, the man of the hour, even though it's actually only 30 minutes, including commercials and such, ladies and gentlemen -- red green! Thank you very much, and thank you, and welcome to the show. And, uh, why don't I just start off by introducing our producer/director and also my nephew by some sort of a strange relationship with my brother? Come on over here, harold. Like I say, harold is the producer and director. And don't let this fancy gizmo rig hanging around harold's neck fool you. It's some sort of a special-effects machine that he uses to do kind of bad things to the show, really. That's true. With this awesome piece of personal hardware, I can control the speed of the show. I can take us to different segments if it starts dragging or something. You know, that can happen. Just as long as I get a little warning, right? Oh, no problem, big guy. [ laughs ] uncle red. Sorry. All right, so, anyway, got talking up at the lodge this week. There's some new thing on the market. It's called a jet ski, who I thought played for los angeles, but, uh, apparently this is some other type of a jet ski that, uh, goes on top of the water, which, uh, nobody has done that I know of in the last couple thousand years. So the bunch of us at lodge decided to go down to the marina and check it out. What kind of a warning was that? You saw my hands going for the controls. Well? [ spoons and guitar playing ] ♪ listen to the words of this very special song ♪ ♪ da da da da da da da da da da da da da da ♪ ♪ listen very closely, then you can sing along ♪ ♪ da da da da da da da da da da da da da da ♪ ♪ pay close attention, it's not as easy as it sounds ♪ ♪ da da da da synchronization da da da da incremental ♪ ♪ da da da thermonuclear quantum physics ♪ ♪ da da da ♪ eight more times! I don't think so. All right. This week on "handyman corner," we're gonna show you how to use different tools, uh, for different jobs. And, uh, when I say that, what I mean is not necessarily a different tool and a job. I mean, a tool that's maybe used in a different job, but maybe not a different tool with the job, but it's maybe a little different job involved with the tool. [ clears throat ] and I hope that clears that up. So let's say, for example, you have, uh, a bunch of nails that you want to hammer in, but, uh, for some reason or other, your hammer is out in the middle of a lake, uh, through the result of some sort of a domestic squabble. So instead of a hammer, what you use is a substitute hammer, something like, say, a pipe wrench. Works good. Or maybe you can't use a pipe wrench because it's in your car holding the radiator on. You might take a look at using, uh, an ax or a hatchet, something that has a flat bottom. But the thing here is I really would be careful on the upswing. Uh, I'm not sure the kind of person who wants the creases in your forehead to run up and down. Uh, another substitute hammer is a flashlight. Not everybody thinks of this, but if you get one of these, which holds three or four batteries, it's got some weight to it, and the beauty, of course, of this is you can do it at night with the power off, and how many things can you say that about? So what you do is you shine the flashlight on the nail, and then... Uh, you might want to go a little easy for a while with that one. One of my favorite substitute hammers is, of course, a level, uh, because what you can do is you can level up the wood, make sure it's right where you want it, and then put it into place with the same tool. Uh, you can take the same approach with screwing. You don't have a screwdriver, um, I can get you a screwdriver for 10 cents. It's a dime. Fits into the slot, and, uh... If you're not real fond of the skin on your fingers, this can be a dandy little tool. If that's not good enough for you, um, how about a chisel? It's got the nice, fine edge on it there. Well, uh, what I do usually is, uh, just take the hammer and I just say to myself, "these aren't really screws. They're just, uh, nails with threads." and, uh, there you go. That's how that works. We'll be right back, and I'll get on with the rest of the jet-ski story. I'll give you all a warning. "it is summer. "we have had no rain. "there is no water, no fruit, no vegetables, "not a drop for our crops or our livestock. If it wasn't for the brewery, this could be serious." so, anyway, uh, the bunch of us went down to the marina and checked out this jet-ski thing. Well, it, uh, zooms along on top of the water. You know, it kind of looks like somebody made it a pontoon and a motorcycle, which, uh, would have been a heck of a racket if you were in the next room at the motel, I'll tell you. Anyway, moose thompson takes a look at it, and he says he can build something like that out of a snowmobile. Well, that sounded like a real dumb idea to us, but, then again, our -- our snowmobile's worthless, so we said fine and sold it to him. Uncle red? Warning time. 3, 2, 1. I was just getting to the interesting part, harold. Yeah, I know. We're in it now. Morning, glen. Hi, red. Just on my way to disney world. Want to come with me? You're going to disney world? Who's gonna run the marina? It's the middle of the high tourist season here. Well, uh...You're here. You can do it. Yeah, the keys are in the cash register. I got a lodge to run, glen. I can't -- I can't run your -- your marina. You can't fly off to disney world. This is crazy. Well, red, I got to ramble. I'm a rambling guy. I'll see you in five weeks. Well, what about my engine, glen? You told me you'd have my engine fixed three weeks ago. Where is it? Well, it's right there, red. Oh, my god. What'd you do to her? Well, I had to replace... The coupling and the shaft, the prop. Yeah, she's fine now, though. She'll run like a fine swiss outboard. I don't believe it. You actually fixed something? You actually repaired something that you sold somebody? It's a big day here. Did I pack that cream soda? Glen? Glen? Glen, what is this? Well, red, I couldn't match the paint exactly. I mean, it's a -- they stopped making these just after the war, the first war, I think. No, no, it's not the color, glen. I-it's the size. That -- that lower unit, that come off a battleship or something. There's no way this motor's gonna drive that prop. Well, that's where you're wrong, red. I-I tested it myself already. That's really good for slow-speed trolling. I'll see you when I get back, red. No, glen, wait. No, glen! Glen! Glen! Glen, this -- this is no good, glen! The trans is gonna rip right off my boat. Glen. Glen. Glen. Glen. [ engine turns over ] [ horn honks ] red, you almost dented my bumpers! What are you, the kind of man who'll dent a man's bumpers?! But the motor's just no good, glen. This is not gonna work. Red, it's fine. I tested it, okay? But it's not the same engine. This is not correct. I know that! They stopped making that engine when they discovered steel, red! Look, I'm a great mechanic. When a great mechanic takes something into a shop, he pulls something out, all right? Have I ever done anything less than perfect for you before? Well, who knows, glen? Every time I come here, you make me fix my own stuff. Look... This is where I'm staying at disney world, all right? The polynesian tropical jungle-theme inn. Put your room number on there. All right, I'll be parked at the happy tahitian wing. You got any troubles, call me, okay? Only if you got trouble. That's a parking-spot number. I'll have you paged at fantasyland! [ groans ] [ spoons and guitar playing ] ♪ there once was a magic workhorse ♪ ♪ an enchanted clydesdale named garth ♪ ♪ he frolicked in the autumn mist ♪ ♪ in a land called shimkil ♪ ♪ he had three wishes ♪ ♪ and he left them on the road ♪ ♪ I stepped in one, and believe me ♪ ♪ it's not always good when your wishes come true ♪ thank you very much. I could talk about some other, uh, substitute tools now. Let's say, uh, you've got a piece of wood like this. You want to do some sort of a fancy daedal cut in it, but, uh, your chisel is all bunged up because somebody used it as a screwdriver. Well, what you do is tit for tat, as we say. Put the screwdriver and use your screwdriver as a chisel. Then just take it out and go... All right, well, we'll get back to that later. All right, for example, uh... Your level is not working too well anymore because someone used it, say, as a hammer, say. Uh, what we can use is a pencil crayon. Uh, you put it on the -- on the table. If it stops rolling, that's level. Another, uh, substitute tool, let's say you want to cut a piece of wood, and your saw is, uh, who knows where, stuck in someone's tire, perhaps. Uh, take an x-acto knife, uh, score the wood on both sides. Here again, I should caution you -- never hold wood between your knees while you're cutting it with an x-acto knife. Unless your favorite song is "the first cut is the deepest." okay, you got her scored on both sides. Proper her up against -- against the side of your workbench or -- or your wife's car, and, uh, get what I call the substitute saw, uh, the sledgehammer. All right, now throat it does give a bit of a -- a bit of a rough finish. But I think a little sandpaper on that throat and it'll come out nice. And if you don't have sandpaper, of course, you can -- you can use a brick. A brick also will substitute as a hammer. And if you have 50 bricks, you can make a vise. Just remember that, uh, a handyman never blames his tools. He just grabs something else. So, until next time, keep this in mind -- if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. Oh, excellent timing, uncle red. It's time for "male call." time to answer some letters. Time to tie on the old feedback, if you will. [ laughs ] you want to read the first letter, or do you want me to read it? That way, we can just keep things clicking along. Yeah, that'll be fine, harold, but don't get all excited there. I'm not nearly as excited as you think. All right. "dear mr. Green, "I've been watching your show for a whole episode now, "and I really think it's the greatest thing to hit tv "since 'wrestlemania.' "I like wrestling. I used to like hockey. "but now I think it's too violent. "now I like wrestling, but my wife says it's just fake. What do you say? Is wrestling faked or what?" [ chuckles ] excellent question. Well, harold, you know we've had this complaint before about the wrestling being fake, and, uh, let me just straighten this out. Wrestling is a sport. It goes way back. It's real old. It goes all the way back to the greeks. And they're really old, you know? In fact, the first olympics was nothing but wrestling. Of course, now, in those days, they were naked. Really? Oh, yeah. Buck-naked. [ laughs ] you can't fake that. No, and it made for some excellent holds. But they have excellent holds now today, and let me just assure this viewer that he is absolutely right. Uh, wrestling could not possibly be fake. Well, in my opinion, wrestling is, like, hugely faked. Well, the viewer didn't write a letter to you, now, did he, harold? Good point. And he never will, believe me. Well, his wife might. [ chuckles ] I have another letter here, uncle red. Um, it says, "I really like your truck. Where'd you get it?" signed, "wondering in wawa." wawa -- that's a great little town. They have enormous goose up there, harold. If you ever want enormous goose, uh, you know, you got to wawa. Yeah, uncle red, they asked about your truck. Oh, yeah, well, the truck. Now, that's an interesting story. You know, I didn't actually buy that truck. Uh, I traded a guy for a 12-pound pickerel. And I thought I got a good deal, but, uh, then when I pulled into the garage, the darn brakes failed. You have brakes in your garage? No, the brakes on the truck, harold. Well, you misplaced your modifier. Well, I always sit like this. It's comfortable. Well, if we're ready to go to the next segment, well, let her roll. You made a grammatical error. That wasn't me, harold. It was the chair. [ film projector clicking ] yooooow! Red: Bill was in the area, so he decided to swing by the lodge. Uh, he had a little something special in his pants today. Uh, it was something, I believe, from south america. They're, uh -- they're called, uh -- whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa, whoa. All right. He's all right. They're called, uh, bolos, and it's like a stone, some type of a rock they tie on a string. And then they use this actually as a weapon. They swing it around there. Look out, bill. Look out. Swing it around. I like it. It's kind of -- you know, it's almost like a boomerang-type thing. I got it to go pretty good. Look at bill. Oh, bill. Aah! Oh. Well, uh, it takes a little getting used to. Bill was -- I guess, was showing me some of the things that can go wrong with them. Now he got it a little clear and he went this way with it. And a little different approach, you know, the vertical rather than the horizontal throw. And we suddenly realized that the stones had come right off. Couldn't figure where they -- and then I heard -- and then -- bill, look out, we got to -- bill, we -- we got to go. We got to -- we -- bill, bill, got to go. Got to go. Oh. We got lucky there. Now, bill decided to set up a little target with some glass. Ugh! And then he decided to set it up again. And, uh, I was gonna take -- take the first shot and see if I could swing out and -- and hit the -- hit the jars or whatever. And I tried a little different approach. I tried the bounce technique. And it worked real good, I thought. And now bill's turn. I think bill had a little bit of, you know, control -- oh. Thank you, bill. And I'll try her again, and, no, it's close. It's close. I should have skipped it again. Bill's -- I think he has trouble knowing, you know, what direction -- oh. That was our backhoe. Oh, oh, oh. Boy. Oh, the cameraman was okay. So, bill tried this, and he -- he got some sort of a strange thing going on. He started to rise up almost like a helicopter, I guess, with the things spinning around. I couldn't believe -- hardly believe this is happening. But I was there, and it must have been happening. I was there. And he's going way, way up there. Gee, I couldn't believe it, you know. Hey, he was -- he was enjoying it, though. He was enjoying it, having a good time. So, you know, I-I probably shouldn't have waved at him, because he thought he'd wave back, and then... Uh-oh. That wasn't so smart. Aah! Oh. Oh. Oh, and then I could hear the bolos coming down. Uh, bill. Bill. Bill. Bill. Bill. Oh. Oh, boy. But, uh, I really did enjoy working with the bolos, and I -- I took them with me. I might play with them another day. "it is winter. "the fun of throwing snowballs at old people. "the joy of writing your name in a snowbank in yellow. "more dangerous from the ice, yet safer "'cause you can see everyone's breath and avoid walking into it." uncle red? Yeah? What was it like when you were my age? Mentally or physically? I don't get that. Okay, so physically. Well, uh, it was different. You know, I mean, when I was a teenager, my after-school job was pinboy. Wow! Really? That sounds great. Pinboy! What was that, like a superhero or something? No, harold, I was a pinboy in a bowling alley. Oh. Yeah, I had to work six hours just to earn enough money to buy myself a soda and a bag of chips. What flavor? Uh, usually an orange soda. No, no. No, uncle red, what -- what flavor chips? Oh, we didn't have flavored chips. Just -- just plain chips. What?! You didn't have flavored chips? [ chuckles ] your life must have been sad. You didn't have, like -- you didn't have ketchup or sour cream and onion, dill pickle, salt and vinegar, rancho cool?! [ laughs ] life without flavored chips. You didn't have any flavors? Is rancid a flavor? You must have been living in the stone age. Well, how come? What is it, like, they just didn't have, like, the technology or something? Or was it shortages after the war? I mean, how come? Maybe -- maybe somebody just didn't think of it? They had to wait for someone to walk along and have a dream? Yeah, yeah. Okay, harold. But now a 5-cent bag of chips costs you a buck-69. Yes, that is true, but your breath smells like you had an entire meal. Don't go away. I think you'll enjoy the end of the jet-ski story. Well, at least it'll all be over and done with, and that part is enjoyable, so I agree. ♪ he was built like a pear, kind of stocky and short ♪ ♪ his real name was leonard, but we just called him wart ♪ ♪ nobody liked him, and he was extremely obnoxious ♪ ♪ but he was kind of fun to slap ♪ ♪ and he always lost big at poker, so we let him stay ♪ "it is autumn. "yesterday, the sky overhead was alive with geese. "today, the ducks circle overhead in growing flocks. "tomorrow, the sky will be dark with blackbirds, "the next day, robins or perhaps crows. I think I need to find a different place to park my car." red: Boy, that water is cold. Wouldn't want to go skinny-dipping here. That'll shrink your levis. Hap: Yeah, you'd get used to it. When I worked up in the yukon, we'd go spearfishing under the ice. Oh, you mean ice fishing, where you cut a hole and fish through it? No, that's kids stuff. No, we'd cut a hole and dive through. Sometimes your heart would stop for a few minutes. But it was a lot of fun. Are you telling me that you swam around in ice-cold water, chasing fish with a spear gun? You know, I had this ceremonial headdress covered in worms to attract the fish. And the fish would come around, and you would spear them and slip them into your underwear. When your skivvies were filled with cod, you would come up for air. I once had a whole pantload of fish itching to get out. Came up for air, my hole had frozen over. I'm not surprised. What did you do? The only thing I could do. Hooked those fish onto my belt loops, and they towed me into open water. Are you saying you had belt loops on your underwear, hap? [ chuckles ] if you were ever up in the arctic, you, uh -- you'd know better than to ask a question like that, red. That wasn't a bad question. I was just curious. That's all. No. Story's over. When you start to nitpick on the details, takes the fun out of the telling. Well, so, anyway, moose thompson made his own little homemade jet ski out of our, uh, snowmobile and about nine life jackets and had the thing sitting down on the dock, just revving there, you know. And he was ready for a long run, so he had about nine unwrapped ketchup sandwiches kind of jammed and rammed them into the glove compartment. And he had his hip waders full of extra gas, which is nothing new, you know? So anyway, moose gets on there, and he hits the throttle, and off she goes, and by god, he slams so hard down on the lake that the sandwiches all fly out of the glove compartment and the seat jams so far up the hip waders that he can't get off, right? Well, golly, he starts circling around 'cause he soon realizes that the only way he can stay afloat is -- is to keep her wide open, you know, and meanwhile, the fish are eating his lunch and turning belly-up. Well, golly, every time he goes by the dock, he yells something at us, but we're, of course, laughing so hard, we can't hear him, you know. 'round and 'round he goes, and, of course, from shore, you know, he's kicking up about, oh, I'd say a 12-foot wake. All we're seeing is like a huge swell with moose's head on the top, which is actually a pretty good description of moose even on dry land. But, you know, he said to us that he was gonna make it all the way across the lake, and we got to give him credit. He was half right. Anyway, uh throat if my wife is watching, I'm gonna be coming straight home after the show, and, uh, maybe I'll, uh, bring a bottle of wine. We can fry up some bacon or something. Well, thank you all for watching. Hope you enjoyed the show. And until next time, on behalf of myself and, uh, harold there and, uh, the rest of the gang up at the lodge here, keep your stick on the ice. "it is spring and time for me to face the reality "that I am as old as the lodge roof. "we have a lot in common, that roof and I. "we both leak, we both have shingles, and we both end in the gutter."